I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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