He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
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pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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