i would punch a child for taco bell
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
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I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
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Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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