you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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