I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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