of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
