she smelled like a LAN party
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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