I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
