Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
