It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Be still, my beating vagina.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
