The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
