Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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