he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sext me about skeletons
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
