i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
