It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
