Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
