i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
