Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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