1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
