Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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