Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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