I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
