pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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