My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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