i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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