I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
we should paint friendship bongs
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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