are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
