Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
