There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
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He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
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The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.