Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
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I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
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No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?