why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
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she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
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The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.