i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
