He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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