i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
