if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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