I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
zippers are such a cool invention
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
