I looked at my own cervix.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
