If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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