You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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