Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
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