My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
