At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
