do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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