I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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