I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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