remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
