You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
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Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
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You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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