Im at strip club and am horny
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
