1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
