the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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