Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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