Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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