oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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