i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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