Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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