Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
