My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
